When you give a girl a scarf...

...she'll need a shirt to go with it.

And when she searches for a shirt....
...she'll need to raid her closet.

And when she raids her closet...
....she'll find that it needs to be cleaned.

And when she cleans out her closet....
....she'll need to try on some clothes.

And when she tries on some clothes...
....she'll need to take some selfies.

Outfit #1.

Outfit #2.

And when she takes some selfies...
...she'll need to share with the world how good she looks in her size 16 clothes.

Haha. Do you believe me?

Now, this is what "the bully" in my brain is telling me...

Do I listen to the bully? 

I hear him. Trying to taunt me...but I'm tired...tired of feeling this way. In fact...I'm done...it's over...I'm over it... I'm having a boxing match in my own brain. And I know what it feels like to win, to beat the bully who was part of me, to punch him in the nuts, he deserves it, punch him, kick him where it hurts. I have tasted it, I have felt it...and it feels right and good and peaceful.

This is what I want for myself...this is my new goal:

Not to be fat.

Not to be skinny.

To be contented.

And with that; to be happy, peaceful, loving and kind.

I really think you can only achieve that if you love yourself. If you love yourself you MUST include all-of-you. Your belly rolls or your 6 pack abs, your thigh gap or great calves, your huge jugs or your petite girls, your gorgeous birthing hips or your cute boy hips, your great smile or beautiful eyes, your double chin or cleft chin. People don't stare at your belly rolls or sunken checks when they look at you, they look at your smile, your beautiful eyes and your confidence and inner beauty outshines it all!

This is all a pep talk for myself...if it makes an impact on someone elses life, all the better. But this has been my inner dialogue for a while now...me getting stronger, the bully getting weaker.

We are made in the image and likeness of God. What does God look like? Is he too pale? Too fat? Too ugly? Too thin? Of course not! He is beautiful and kind and He loves you; He loves me. You should love you too. Don't you dare think that He created you poorly, He did no such thing. You insult Him when you speak that way. You are perfect in His eyes, don't second guess God, that's just a bad idea.

Now, look at me. (Posting this picture makes me squirm! But that's ok...I'm over it, right?)

Do you see my flaws?

Do you?

Look closer, look harder, they are there.

You don't see them?

People don't see yours either unless you point them out. Do you show up at work and tell your co-workers how crappy your customer service skills are? Do you tell your clients that you don't really feel like doing their paperwork that day? Do you tell your boss that he should fire you because you don't really know what the hell you are doing? Of course not! We do what we gotta do. We pretend. We emulate people we respect, we strive for something more, we try harder every day. We pretend. So this is me, pretending. I'm pretending to be self confident and I'm getting better at it.

Try it, I bet you'll get better too.

*This post is brought to you by the best. scarf. ever. My beautiful sister knitted it just for me for my birthday and I love it and I love her.

17 years and counting...

It was another beautiful fall day. The trees were plump with ripe leaves, my very favorite mixture of colors covered the mountain behind the beautiful Orthodox church that day. The sun was shining in the clear blue sky. As the frost from the morning thawed everything dripped with a heavy dew. But I didn't notice any of that.

Because today was my wedding day.

I was nineteen. I was naïve. I was bashful. I was self doubting. I was ready to dedicate the rest of my life to my friend of five years who claimed to love me. Was this the "right" decision? That remained to be seen...

He was a gangly "geek" if you will. Geeky in most things like most geeks are...computers, Star Trek, Star Wars, Church theology, politics, etc. He was my opposite, if you will. He was also not at all like my father and not at all the type of person I had imagined marrying some day. But was that a bad thing? I was an Alaskan girl, after all, the state is full of robust hunter like men in all of their manly glory. Was I "supposed" to marry someone like my father? Someone less geeky perhaps? Someone less zealous in life? Someone less intent on having silly old me for themselves?? I really couldn't decide, you see, I hadn't "fallen in love" with him.

He certainly had with me. He had some compelling arguments and had great wit and humor that he used to try and convince me. I had to rely on my gut as my guide. His arguments did convince me that he would never leave me. His arguments convinced me that he loved me and that loving a wife is a husband's job. He convinced me that he had a great career, that he was awesome at what he did and that he would be a great provider so that I could be a mother (my life's dream was to be a stay-at-home-mom).

But, what if?

My indecision caused him great stress (not to mention my own stress). He was patient with me and didn't push me. I wanted to cancel the wedding and he said that was fine. My friend asked me, "do you love him?!" and I had to say yes, but I didn't think I really meant it. But the thing that really stuck in my craw was "Well, what if I let him go?  He runs off and eventually finds himself another woman?" No, that just wouldn't do. I was jealous of him before I ever thought I loved him and before he was mine.

That jealousy caused me to commit to him. I realized that if nothing else, even if I never had those warm fuzzy "in love" feelings that he would love me, take care of me and, if nothing else, be my friend. My gut and my head won the argument against my "heart" because it didn't know what the heck it was doing.

Seventeen years later I am here to report.

I realized those fuzzy feelings are typically feelings of lust. I have lusted my husband on and off for 17 years. Other men too. I tell him about those feelings as he tells me about his. We don't get upset or hurt by it for some reason...many other friends think we're crazy to talk about our "crushes" or "dang, he's hot" sort of things with each other. I don't know why we do it, but we do. The feelings and crushes disappear as soon as we confess them to each other too.*

Love is something different. Love is giving of yourself, it's HARD to love, because love is actions. Constant attention to the person you're supposed to be loving. That is difficult work. I personally suck at it. I didn't realize, until this year that I've had a wall up in our marriage for 17 years. The wall of self hate. That wall has caused me to not let my guard down, not be really giving of myself. This year, I had a giant light bulb go on in my brain and it blew my mind. I have not been the same since.

"You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself."

Very simple, but very true. It his changed me. It has changed the way I see people. It has changed the way I react to people. It has changed the way I talk, treat, respect and act to those closest to me. The ones who needed me to change are beginning to see the new/real me. The one who finally sees that God loves me like His child that I am, and with that true knowledge, it will drastically change a person.

All of this to say simply this:

17 years of marriage is very hard, very good, but mostly hard. It can, however, be done. You have to LOVE, give up your own will constantly, and take a verbal beating from time to time. Conflict in marriage is not a bad thing. If you don't ever fight you won't figure anything out. If you have the capability to simply discuss with no feelings involved, more power to you. My husband is quite fiery and I have discovered I am as well. So our fights are LOUD!

After 17 years of being married to this man I am now: the mother of 6 amazing children, the owner of a self made business of 10 years that I run from my home, not self doubting, still a little bashful in person at first, probably still naïve, confident and self admittedly, awesome.

I thank my husband for most of this (not all, after all, I am awesome). Not only for sticking with me, but encouraging me to come out of my shell, to embrace some of my more insane ideas and run with them. To remind me that I am awesome and I can do great things if I put my mind to it.

The cool thing is that as time has gone on he has grown less geeky and more robust. He has even started hunting in the last five years (that's hot). I think he's very handsome and am VERY glad he's not out there with some other woman. I'm glad he's mine, all mine.

*Please note that this practice of sharing so honestly is NOT for everyone. I am confident in the knowledge that he will never leave me and that is why I don't get offended when he says such things. Most women are not this secure and so I believe this would be hurtful in many marriages, not a positive thing.

Life is great.

Warning: this post contains words like God and priests and soul. If you can not handle such content move along. I did, however, try to keep it brief.

This is not often my outlook on life. I struggle. I hurt. Life sucks.

Yesterday I was able to talk to a close friend (ok, my priest, but he is a friend too) for 4 short hours.

Today I feel like a new person.

The sun is out and it's beautiful, the snow is melting, water is flowing down driveways. Life is good today.

I love days like this, because it's not the sun or the snow or the spring-ness of it all that uplifts my spirits, it's my view on life and it's problems. It's knowing more about myself and knowing that yes, I'm a seriously messed up and sinful human being. But God loves me. And to truly understand that makes so much that is wrong ok. It makes me nicer, it makes me actually happy. Today I can see the job that is set in front of me and I plan to do it. I have tasks that I can complete and being such a project oriented person, I know that I can start working on them. Does this mean that I won't fall again? Does this mean that I won't simply forget those things that I know today that are so clear to me? Does this mean that I will succeed in...life? No, but it's somewhere to start.

I always forget how good it is to have a priest to talk to, you can really tell them the most nitty-gritty most terrible details of your life. They just smile or giggle or sigh and might say things you don't want to hear but that you need to hear. It's truly refreshment for the soul. I felt like I was digging up clods of dirt and throwing them out. By saying these things I was admitting them not only to him but to myself. That was powerful. To admit things that I do and think that cause problems in my marriage and life. That is huge. To be able to see one's self is huge. I know that I can't really see myself for who I truly am, who of us can? But yesterday I was able to peel back the next layer of the onion that makes up "me" and I have a new fresh beginning to life again. That is really wonderful.

Sometimes (this is for my different friends sake that I say this)...sometimes, priests say the wrong things, sometimes they give bad advice, and sometimes they hurt you, but that's because they are human and just as prone to temptations and stupid-ness as anybody else. Just as you may have a best friend and you spill your guts to them, they can easily say the wrong things or really hurt you. Most people are very sensitive about personal things they divulge to only priests. You really need to have a good mesh with a priest (or a best friend). I haven't had any negative experience, personally. God gives us what we can handle, and He must know that I needed some good priests to lean on. I haven't had a bff in ages that I could really talk to, but I have always had a priest waiting in the wings if I needed him.

Yesterday I dusted and cleaned the cobwebs off of my soul, today Christ is happier to live there, and that is making me happy.

Spring cleaning for the soul? It's a good thing.

A moment in time

Wanting to capture every precious moment of what my kids do, I still don't do it. I have a blog, therefore I'll write some of it here.

Youngest is developing her personality quite a bit lately...lots of words being said, lots of stealing of other people's food and lots of fits...

...however.

When she pets the dog on the porch she says over and over, "who's gonna miss you when I'm gone? who's gonna miss you when I'm gone? who's gonna miss you when I'm gone?" and the dog enjoys the attention.

When she "plays" with the baby goats she grabs their collar and yanks them where she likes and chases them with wooden stakes and sometimes hits them....then she gets in trouble.

She bites 2nd youngest if she makes her mad.

When I come home she runs to me and says, "mama, you came home! I missed you!"

She goes outside and gets dirty, every time. She sneaks out even, she loves it out there.

When we have any milk left from the goat's milk bottle she'll drink it if we aren't watching.

Last year she'd sneak into the chicken coop and this year she sneaks into the doe's pen even though they are 3x her size. She loves to hang out with them.

2 days ago I was on the phone and looked outside. She'd gotten out of the bath and gone out and was chasing chickens...naked...on the side of the fence with a VERY good view for the neighbors and all of their kids.

Last night we went to our friend's goat farm. She has many many goats. We discovered she really enjoys going up to each doe and pinching her teat. Not sure if it's to piss her off or to try to milk her. Either way it's funny.

She gets in my bed early early in the morning and snuggles with me and says, "I love you mama."

She wakes me up later and says, "Mama, it's morning, I have to go potty, you have to make me cereal."

We leave my sister's house and she says, "I had so much fun at Aunt B's house."

She drives me crazy. She loves life. She loves animals. She loves me. I love her.

Valentines Day

I'm not a huge fan of Hallmark holidays and this is certainly one of them. However, that's not to say I don't want stuff on these days and a little attention. (Mothers day is the real kicker.)

My husband also thinks they are silly, so one year I told him not to get me anything that I didn't need anything and that I would be fine. Well 3/4 of the way through the day I lost it...the woman in me reared her ugly head and acted like a brat. My poor husband went out to the store and saved the day by buying some chocolate and flowers. I hate it when I do that, sometimes I feel that I have absolutely no control over my emotions and it's so frustrating.

Today is a bit different. He informed me last night (a day ahead, very smart) that he had arranged a sitter so that we could actually go on a date tonight. I was so excited. I even said, "Look, I'm beaming!" I decided not to nag the kids about chores and school today, and instead set them a time they had to finish everything to get extra candy rewards by...I'll let you know how that goes, because right now all they are doing is making a multitude of Valentines day cards for one another and us.

So far I have one from my 4-yr-old, very cute with her name written and a heart cut out of the center.

I have one from my oldest that says:
Now I know this may seem silly,
And I know I'm not you,
But what you do with a forty pound snake that says:
(drawn: a snake in cursive that says)
I love you

I have one from our 9-yr-old that says:
I love you like God loves His creations...
Happy Valentines Day

I'm a happy mama today. Happy Valentines Day.