Gravity Love

I suppose it's been my whole life, but lately, more so... The examples in the creation that God put on this earth and in the cosmos, to show us examples of His divine goodness and essence simply astound me.

Recently we drove south to experience the full total eclipse in Idaho. It was amazing. Imagining the sun being blotted out after Christ was crucified. How utterly terrifying if you didn't know to expect it. To see the world, the horizon, the stars, the bugs, the birds, the everything completely differently for over two minutes, not to mention the temperature significantly drop.... and it all happened so very fast. It simply reminds you of who really controls things. How our large spinning ball we call Earth is held up by His mercy. How perfectly He holds up the Sun each and every day. How the Sun reminds us of His exceeding brightness and strength. How the moon so elegantly decorates the night sky and how even it is an example of how we can be bright spots that can reflect God's love into the world if we so choose.

To see the moon blot out the sun. That was something else. I don't think I've had enough time to ponder that...it's only been a week.

Gravity has been on my mind this year as a great example of God's abounding love for all of mankind...not just the "good" ones. Gravity doesn't choose favorites. It holds us all down to earth at it's own choosing and all equally. It "loves" each and every one of us. Whether we choose to dislike gravity or not. We are "loved" by it equally and perfectly. It stabilizes us. It does not waiver on whether it is having a good day or a bad day. We aren't subject to it's daily mood swings. Some days it does not treat us badly and hold us accountable and make us very heavy... And other some days it does not let us lighten our load and be a few pounds lighter because we behaved well. It's just the same, never changing, always consistent.

We humans subconsciously relate God to our parents, it's a natural thing to do. We decide that God loves us only if we are good because that's how our parents (imperfect humans) usually show their love to us. They are happy when we behave well and upset if we behave badly. It's only natural we would assume God thinks this way as well. This is why many of us are stuck in the, "well, if I'm good then God will love me better." so we go through the motions, follow all the rules, but we still miss the mark. God loves us regardless of our actions. Gravity holds us down whether we are alcoholics, good mothers, bad mothers, thieves, priests (good or bad), or innocent children.

We have the choice, however, to turn to His love in thanks and awe or to turn away from it in disbelief and annoyance. The fact that it exists, however, still remains. The love is there whether we like it or not...grounding us, literally.

God grant us eyes to see our transgressions and strength to bring them into the perfect light that You shine so that we can repent and turn our darkened faces toward Your brightness.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. My Orthodox Christian take on Marie Kondo's book.

Last week our family was at a book store. My kids were all absorbed in different exciting titles when a little turquoise book caught my eye. “The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondo. "I think I have actually heard of this book," I thought. (Which is a small miracle in and of itself, as my head has been buried in the sand for almost two years now.) "Is this the one my mom had just told me about?" I had just turned 40 two days before and decided to buy it for my birthday present. I have been trying to learn how to find joy in the last few years, and one way is to buy myself a birthday present that I like. In this way I can empower myself to not become bitter if I don't receive something to my liking. It's still a broken process for a broken woman, but for now it's helping me. Regardless, about the book...I figured, how could it hurt? Maybe it will actually inspire me to keep my house clean once and for all! 

I am almost finished reading the book. Let me first say that Marie, is NOT a Christian. She is from Japan and visits shrines, Buddhists temples, and is a pagan worshiper, she discusses that briefly in her book. One of the opening lines in the book is quoting from her fans and one of them says that they were SO helped that not only did she get rid of all of her clutter but she also got rid of her husband and divorced him. Um, yikes. My 18-year-old scolded me when she read that part of the book wondering what sort of crazy trash her mother had purchased. Good for her, she’s my fiery child and keeps me honest. I decided to be rebellious and read it anyway.

I was antsy to do some of her recommendations, but I didn’t want to dive right in and do it in her correct order. (my rebellious side rearing it's ugly head) In hindsight I now see why she lays down the law so-to-speak, it can create issues if you go about tidying in the incorrect manner.

The other evening I decided to tackle some of my husband's clothes. I folded his laundry the Marie Kondo way, put it all nicely away in his drawer. I discarded some socks and shirts that had holes in them and “kondo-ed” his main large top drawer. I asked him about this nice pair of pants that I bought him a few years ago. Mainly I was asking if we could get rid of them since I didn’t see him wear them, I was trying to be true to Marie saying that you can’t just get rid of other people’s things. In my mind, I thought that getting rid of them by asking him first was perfectly fine, but in reality it wasn't. He reluctantly said, “Well, fine, I guess.” He was clearly annoyed, so I re-asked, “Well, do you like them? Do you wear them a lot?” He replied, “Well, I do like them, but I don’t wear them a lot.” I realized that I had been too pushy, I re-asked, “Well, I don’t have to get rid of them, it’s ok, I don’t want you to be annoyed.” He replied, “Well, I am annoyed, but I already said that you could get rid of them, so take me at my word and just do it.” Ouch. I still didn’t see, really, what was going on there…

This morning I was walking around in our bedroom, making the bed, admiring his clean side of the room that I had worked on tidying up. I then walked around my suitcase on my side of the bed, and got dressed. I picked up the t-shirt off of our chair and put that on, the jeans that were also on the chair, I put those on, I picked up the socks that were on the floor and put those on. Not one item did I remove from my tidy closet as I have my clothes “stored” on the chair and on the floor around it and on the comfortable couch. It’s easy for me to get dressed when the clothes aren’t put away. My error hit me like a painless loud slap across the face.

“Look at you,” I thought. “Look at your clothes messily draped on the only chair in the bedroom so that neither of us can sit there, look at the pile of clothes that fell off of the couch.  Look at the opened suitcase that you haven’t bothered to unpack after being home for 7 days, look at the box of stuff just sitting on the floor there that you don’t know what to do with, that has been there for over a month now. No wonder my poor husband was annoyed at me, I’d rather clean and sort his things rather than my own. The whole time I was asking him about his one pair of pants he was looking at more than 20 pieces of my clothing strewn about behind me. How much are my sins that are the same way? How often have I done this to him in our twenty years of marriage? How does he stand it? How often do I look straight past my own clutter and sins and look at his? How blind I have been?! How selfish and pretentious.”

Our soul is often referred to as a room. We have to clean out the room of our soul in order for Christ to have a place to sit. My husband literally doesn’t have a place to sit in our room because of MY clothes, how much more do I need to take a closer look at my soul so that Christ (and even my husband) has a place to sit? What sort of little sins have I allowed through my front door? Sins can grow just like our piles of clothes can. It sits on the couch and before you know it the pile is covering the whole thing…just as sin will grow into a giant beast and getting rid of it is much harder than getting rid of a cute little harmless baby sin. How do we get rid of these? Frighteningly, the only way I can see is with fierce violence. “From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent men take it by force.” (Matthew 11:12) My unwillingness to look not only at the clothes in front of my face nor my sins reminds me of how weak and lukewarm I really am. I remind myself of that frog that’s in the pot that is slowly being boiled alive. How often do I make excuses every single day for the sins that I commit? The Lord says, “Because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of My mouth.” (Revelations 3:16)

There are so many similarities in the way Marie approaches decluttering to the way that we must approach the spiritual life. Marie says, “To quietly work away at disposing of your own excess is actually the best way of dealing with a family that doesn’t tidy.” Woah, that sounds familiar. Compare this with our own spiritual struggles. How many times have we been told to quit looking at your neighbor’s sins and concentrate on your own?! “As if drawn into your wake, they will begin weeding out unnecessary belongings and tidying without your having to utter a single complaint. It may sound incredible, but when someone starts tidying it sets off a chain reaction.” (Marie Kondo pp. 52) The funny thing is that the other book that I’m currently reading is, “Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives” by Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica. I literally just read the part, “It is of great significance if there is a person who truly prays in a family. Prayer attracts God’s Grace and all the members of the family feel it. Even those whose hearts have grown cold. Pray always.” (#14 in Chapter On family life) How amazing the similarities of these two statements…our families and friends don’t need us to fix their ways, they need us to fix ourselves. Clean up our own hearts and our own bedrooms and only then can we, with true humility and meekness, help them to clean up theirs.

The other thing that Marie harps on is making sure that the things you keep spark joy, you must purge those things from your life that drag you down, but in order to do that you must find the things that give you peace, joy and comfort. How badly do we need this also in our every day life? 

Finding joy is not always easy, but that is what God truly wants from us. He desires us to be fulfilled, joyful, grateful... He gives us roofs over our heads, money in our wallet, food in our belly, and we complain. Why?? Well, we have people that we love who have died, we might have house in dis-repair, we might have a mean boss or even spouse. These hardships, like the thorns of a rose, bring us to our knees. On our knees we can repent of our sins and ask God to help us get up again. These hardships bring us closer to our Father who deeply loves us beyond measure. Our job is that we must be thankful always and joyful always. It is our duty. We must look at the roses rather than their thorns. Remembering that the money we possess, the house we own, the car we drive are not ours, but gifts from our Creator and the lover of mankind. 

For me this reminder from Elder Thaddeus was helpful and may indeed help me on my tidying up journey, “Any work we do here on earth is God’s work. However we always work with reservation, without sincerity. Not only can God not bear that, but no human being can. We know that the universe belongs to God, that the Earth is God’s planet, and that everything belongs to God, no matter what type of work we do.”

I’m thankful that I’m reading Marie’s book while reading Elder Thaddeus. He keeps things real. I realize now that my job, the one that God gave me, is to focus on my family, my husband and my children. I’m supposed to keep a tidy house, to cook good meals for them. I always wanted this job while I was a kid and after 20 years of marriage I’m finally waking up and realizing what my actual job is. God gave me my heart's desire and I have spent so much of that time being miserable in the work that He gave to me out of His deep love for me. I took a left turn somewhere along the way. Let’s pray that I can have the strength and courage to stay on track.

I appreciate Marie’s book and her attitude to look at all items with extreme scrutiny. She encourages you to thank each item for its purpose that it had in your life and then give it away or discard it. With the sin that we face we will not give it that gratitude like we do with our things. We must spit on it when we shove it out the door. If we treat it with kindness and love, then we still love that sin more than God and we are not really getting rid of it. Just like I have taught my kids to tidy up their room, you start with the largest items taking up the most floor space first, you get a cleaner room in a much faster way. We will do likewise and tackle the big sins first, not those little ones. If we first uproot the large beasts from their comfy chair we can more easily see and then deal with the smaller sins that remain. I wish that tidying our hearts was as easy as tidying our homes. It. Will. Be. Hard. But, it is do-able. We CAN uproot the sins that keep us from drawing closer to our families, our husbands and our God. Maybe decluttering my heart will help me to start dealing with some of my physical clutter, and maybe decluttering my house will allow me to face the past, thank my struggles for teaching me valuable lessons and then move forward on the path towards Christ. I know that it’s far more important to declutter my soul than my house, but with Christ’s help, I can end up doing both in this process.

Glory be to God for all things!!!

Our thoughts and feelings are not us!

I think there are re-occurring themes in our life. I believe there is a reason. You hear it once, it goes in one ear and out the other. You hear it again and think, "that's strange, I just heard something similar..." You hear it a third time and you take notice..."I see a pattern here." We probably don't consciously see that God is poking at us, but He probably is.

One thing that I have heard lately is, "Our thoughts are not us." Yes, it is true that Elder Thaddeus wrote a book called, "Out thoughts determine our lives." That is also true...but what thoughts? That's where the real tricky work begins, separating out those pesky thoughts...the bad ones and the good ones. What we give over to, the thoughts that we choose...those are what determine our lives.

A larger theme that was in this post has been re-occurring in the last four years of my life. "God loves me." This one is huge. If you don't get it, you just don't get it... I'm just at the beginning stages of getting it. This concept is crazy with how different this makes E.V.R.Y. L.I.T.T.L.E. T.H.I.N.G. in your life sooooo different/better/amazing/simple/awesome.

We recently were given the name Ss. Joachim and Anna for our new little mission parish here in Goldendale, WA. Our mission is right on Main Street in a store front building in Goldendale. Just 10 minutes up the mountain on highway 97, almost to the top of Satus Pass, lies the most wonderful Greek Orthodox women's monastery, St. John the Forerunner. They just celebrated their 20th year! I could talk for days about the nuns and the monastery and how integral it has been in our lives, so God putting us here at the mission next door is incredible...how God loves us!

I have loved Saint Anna since I was a kid. After all, she shares my name. Often, I would wish that I was closer to her...knowing that she must have been a wonderful and wise mother. I could learn a lot from her, if only I prayed to her more, then I could get to know her better.

I thought (somewhat selfishly) it would be quite fitting to have wonderful married saints as a supportive parish right next door to the monastery church. Both monastic and married are so important in the life of the church and I was cheering on these saints to be our patrons. It also, just literally dawned on me, that Saint Anna was St. Elizabeth's aunt...Elizabeth the mother of St. John the Baptist. Ss. Joachim and Anna were Saint John's aunt and uncle!

My husband called me up one afternoon in January, with the good news, while my 15-year-old son was driving us into town. I started weeping with joy, my poor son didn't know what was the matter. Metropolitan JOSEPH had written us a letter telling us that Ss. Joachim and Anna were going to be our saints and that they have always been dear to his heart. What a wonderful gift! God is so good and loves us so much!

In doing research about their life tonight, I stumbled upon a blog called, "Holy Nativity Orthodox Church" and an old post from 2010 called "The Poor" where the priest talks about Ss. Joachim and Anna's charitable donations, giving a third of their money to the local temple, keeping one third to live on and giving one third to the poor.

Liking how the author wrote and the words he said rung true, I followed the blog to it's new home on Ancient Faith Radio's blogs called, "Praying in the Rain." The priest is Fr. Michael Gillis from Langley, BC. I know I have heard his name before, but I'm not sure where from. Now that we're in the Pacific Northwest, there are a lot of new priests to meet! We're not so secluded as we were in Alaska, and now I hear names in passing but they don't stick...probably not 'till I hear them a third time...

One of the newer posts he wrote caught my eye, "The Almost blind leading the blind." That has been another theme recently (the blind leading the blind)...so I clicked on it. One of the other themes popped up in the post. "Our thoughts and feelings are not us." Where he explains to a new Orthodox person who is just now discovering for the first time, that those thoughts that pop into our heads do NOT belong to us and we have a choice on weather to listen to them or not. We can talk to those thoughts, let them control us, or we can slam the door in their face. We can smack them away like a mosquito.

She asked him four questions. He answered "I don't know." to two of them and focused on the first and fourth. (Don't you appreciate people who can just say,"I don't know", when they don't know?! I love that kind of honesty.) The fourth issue she had is not currently a theme of mine, so I won't even mention it but he will mention it briefly, since they are related. She wrote this about her thoughts: “I find myself stopping before I move on to a secondary emotional state….  I am able to pause after the impulse reaction before engaging with the secondary emotions/thoughts that usually perpetuate frustration/anger/etc. or provide distraction from what is truly being revealed.” 

He responds with these following paragraphs... (the bold part in the second paragraph is crazy, yes, yes, yes!!!)

"Beginning with question #1, noticing thoughts and feelings before they get into that secondary state is very important.  When you do this, you realize that you are not your thoughts and feelings.  You have those thoughts and feelings, but you decide what to do with them—if you can notice them before they take on a life of their own.  As you continue the practice of noticing thoughts and feelings, and then controlling yourself and/or channeling the thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, then the Holy Spirit will teach you deeper things.  The Holy Spirit will teach you about your own darkness (which is connected to your question #4) and you will learn to accept Light in those dark areas.  What I mean is that you will learn to hold both your brokenness and God’s love for you in your heart at the same time.  This will not be easy; or rather, this will be painful, it really doesn’t have anything to do with easy or not easy."

"It will be painful because we all wish we could offer God a better offering than who we really are, but part of our salvation is realizing that we have only our broken selves to offer God—only the two widow’s mites, only the precious myrrh earned by prostitution of some sort, only the brokenness of a prodigal who has wasted all of her Father’s gifts.  As we know this more deeply, two things happen.
First, the amazing extent of God’s love becomes more real to us.  When I see myself as a basically good person who merely makes mistakes, then it doesn’t take a very big God to love me.  But when I begin to see the depths of my darkness, then God grows exponentially in my eyes.  It takes a very great God to love such a broken person as me.  A corollary of this realization is that if God loves this much someone as broken as me, then God must be able to love everyone, no matter how broken they are, just as much as God loves me.  Seeing and accepting both your own brokenness and God’s love for you also helps you understand and not judge the brokenness of others: especially the brokenness of those in the Church or of the sins and mistakes Church itself both today and throughout history."

"The Fathers talk about three stages or aspects of our salvation: (1) purification, (2) illumination and (3) theosis.  Purification has at least partly to do with your question #1.  As we purify our nous by prayerfully attending to our thoughts, we put ourselves in a position in which illumination is more conducive (we are better able to notice the light of illumination because we are cleaning up the inner noise and garbage running rampant in our thoughts and feelings).  And this then leads to theosis, actual transformation, becoming more like Christ.  However, transformation, or theosis, is not something we can see in ourselves (as a student doesn’t realize her growing knowledge, but only how much more there is to learn than she ever imagined before—but it is her very growth in knowledge that enables her to realize how much she doesn’t know).  So for most people, especially those living in the world, our experience of theosis is mostly in area #1, purification of the nous by attending to and managing thoughts and feelings through prayerful attention (often by practicing the Jesus Prayer).  Then, as we do this, we have moments of awareness, #2 illumination.  But what is illumined is what had been in the dark, often something we didn’t want to see, often something ugly about ourselves.  Here is where the verse comes in, “Agree with your adversary quickly while you are on the way with him.”  Our “adversary” here is the Holy Spirit illuminating something we don’t want to see in ourselves.  But rather than trying to justify ourselves, we agree (which is, by the way, what ‘to confess’ means)."

"However, we can only agree if we are secure in God’s love.  Remember the verse, “with the same measure you use, it will be measured to you”?  When we judge others harshly, it becomes difficult for us to accept God’s love for us as we are illumined by the Holy Spirit to see how broken and dark we really are.  In these cases, we either fall into depression or arrogant delusion.  But if we are generous in our judgement of others, it is easier for us to accept God’s love for us when we experience moments of illumination.  That is, we end up judging ourselves as harshly or as mercifully as we judge others."

"The resulting fruit of this process is transformation, or (3) theosis, which we can never see in ourselves.  As I said, what we mostly see is the “spiritual warfare” of the battle to be aware of and control our own thoughts."

Wow. Ok, so some of this went over my head, I'm clearly not at the the third paragraph...but that's ok. The parts in bold were the ones that got me...they seem to be re-occurring themes in our house lately, or at least in my mind. I will never be a big reader, so thank God for priests (and smart Deacon husbands) like this who read and take the time to teach via blogs and home discussions with me and the kids. Because, every now and again, God finds a way to poke me with what I need to hear that day.

Most Holy Saints Joachim and Anna, pray to God for us! (Already I'm praying to her more! Glory to God!)

Life Changer

I am 38 years old and never lived anywhere but Alaska.

We moved to Washington state 3 weeks ago. What the heck?

We sold. A lot. Including our animals. I finally got everything just right in the yard, fencing, apple trees, berry bushes...then poof, we leave.

Everyone asks me how I feel about this, am I sad am I excited? I don't get depressed or excited easily. I am at peace about it and trying to wrap my mind around it. I know myself well enough to know that I will be fine here. I will adjust. God wanted us here for His own reasons, we aren't sure of all of them but think we may have some ideas of why. It has been a hard journey that we started in February, really considering it. Many things have gone wrong but more things have gone right to make it possible to move.

We moved mainly because there is a new parish starting in the small town of Goldendale, WA. My husband is a deacon and our parish in Alaska had grown to a nice size where we weren't needed like we used to be. (Wanted sure, but not needed.) Leaving our parish was extremely difficult and more-so considering the history our parish had with people, especially clergy, moving away, we know the abandoned feeling all too well. This time it was us that was doing the abandoning. That was really terrible.

There isn't clergy here in this town to get a new parish up and running, and when presented with this as an option for us vs staying in Alaska it just felt so right for us both. Once the decision was made, the kids were told, our families were told, tears were shed...the work of moving began.

Moving=horrible.

If you have moved you know. If you have tried selling your house you know. If you haven't, read up on it on the internet and learn what you can, then hang on for a bumpy ride. If you have any money in savings, it will go bye bye. If you have a credit card, it will get maxed. If you're moving because God wants you to, be prepared for a lot to go wrong. Get into the back of God's car and just sit back and watch the drama out the window. He's in control, let it go.

My husband can keep his job and work at home like he has for the last 14 years. My business didn't sell, so I'm attempting to run it from here. My sister was looking for a work-at-home job and as she's the best worker I've ever known, I was happy she was willing to work for me. 

Our house is still not sold. I don't know if it will. It was supposed to close June 2nd and they buyer's house still hasn't closed and we aren't sure ours will go smoothly now either after theirs sells... I'm thankful that we got plane tickets out of Alaska because I'm sure our car would have broken down had we tried driving. Either that or the nine of us would have killed each other on the way down. A 3 1/2 hour plane ride was definitely worth it.

When we got here most of the active parish was very sick, one boy had mono, another two families had whooping cough. Another has a simple surgery then gets sepsis and almost dies. What?

God did provide us with a beautiful rental house here. It's one of the old Victorian houses in the town and rent is very reasonable. Someone put in a very pretty yard and nice fences all the way around. There is even a koi pond with fish. I have always wanted a Victorian house and this way I get to have my cake and eat it too. I get to live in it but not be responsible for the major work that goes into owing one.

I don't have time to mess with a lot of pictures tonight but I've been posting some on Instagram: https://instagram.com/akmamaof7/
 

Our 40 day gift

Mental Retardation

After having a baby it can feel as if your world is coming apart. Like you just can't handle things. And, well, frankly, we can't...and we shouldn't have to.

I just had my seventh child. And yes, things are easier for me because I have older kids and teenagers to help with chores. But as I get older (I'm 37) the hormones go more and more crazy and I seem to be able to handle less and less with each child. My postpartum silliness kicks up and it is not fun.

I had my sixth child six years ago. After her it was the worst of all. I was not mentally prepared for my absolute mental breakdown and neither was my husband. We determined after her that I needed more rest, more food, less people coming and going from my house and less of me "needing" to do things such as grocery shopping and errands.

After this little guy things have been better here at home. My husband anticipated my mental retardation (for the most part). My mother came to stay nearby for 12 days after I had him, making meals and taking little girls overnight in her small apartment. My midwife came a week after he was born and told me to spend more time in bed and less time trying to "do what I needed to do" and instead do what I did need to do and that was to rest and hold my baby. She reminded me that women basically turn back into teenagers, with all the crazy hormones that don't make sense, but with those hormones stays the responsibilities of being a wife, mother, homemaker, businesswoman, gardener, and cook.

The Gift

The 40 day churching prayers are said for the mother coming back to the Orthodox Church after her 40 days. In many cultures (many of them Orthodox or Catholic) they strictly observe the 40 days. No church, no town, not even baby check up appointments. Some have no visitors except their doula or helper that has been asked to come and help with chores in the home. I absolutely LOVE this tradition. Do I feel oppressed by it, like the church doesn't want me bleeding all over the place there? Heck no! I am so thankful that I am encouraged to stay in my bed, my nest, my safe place for that long. Because even if I feel that I might be able to handle going to church after three weeks, I'm probably wrong. Going to church, or anywhere, takes a lot out of you. And honestly, church takes a ton out of me. My husband is a deacon and has always served the church, so he has always gone two hours early. That leaves me getting the kids there alone. Even though we are spoiled and live next door to the church I still do have to be sure they get up, get dressed, hair brushed (sometimes) and out the door to get there semi-on-time. Then I just cross my fingers and hope they are somewhat behaved with out me there...my church family loves me... Just that is exhausting. And for the last 3 out of 4 Sundays since I had my bundle I've been a wreck those days. And I'm NOT EVEN GOING TO CHURCH. This is my last Sunday I'm staying home for my 40 days. Next week I'm on coffee hour duty with my sister and the regular church duties will be calling. I'm so happy to have been on forced leave of absence in just one aspect of my life.

There are some women who don't observe the 40 days. They say, "You can't tell me to stay home for 40 days!" and they go to church. Good for them. My priest would be just fine if I wanted to come back early...he's no dummy, he does NOT want to mess with me in my postpartum state of crazy. Most priests and churches don't enforce this, they would be nuts to in today's culture of woman who do what they please. But, really, give me a break. Women need this for their own sake. It's not to make them feel downtrodden or guilty because they had a baby. It's for their physical and mental health. It's been this way since Adam and Eve. There's nothing new here.

It's a reminder from the Church, who loves us and wants what is best for us, to take it easy. I appreciate this gift. Even if everything else in my life is insane and won't stop...at least my church understands that I need to stay home more often.

Take a step back

Postpartum mamas have a gaping hole bleeding inside of us, literally. We have afterbirth pains that stop us in our tracks and we scream quietly with pain. We have cracked nipples, sometimes accompanied by infections from feeding our babies. I typically have thrush as well and if you have had it, you know how it feels... Who wants to be wearing bras or leaking milk in public? Frankly, who wants to see us leaking milk in public? We should not just jump back into action. We should have a 40-day-wearing-pajamas-only period. We should have someone making us steaks and broccoli (yes my husband has done this a couple of times). We should be watching HGTV and crying at those people when they get a surprise home makeover because that is the best-thing-ever.

When people used to live as extended families the mothers and grandmothers would be there helping, shooing away toddlers, cooking the meals, tending the garden and on and on. It is sad that this is lost in our American culture. Single family dwellings are the norm now. Mothers and daughters rarely get along. Women are told they can and should do it all and then when they can't they feel like failures. Our American dream is dashed one woman at a time. Because it's a lie. It's a lie that women can do it all. Why should we have to? Why can't we be good at being mothers OR working. Men don't have babies, so they're not expected to be good at both. Why has that burden been placed on us? It's not fair. Cry me a river... So we mothers need to realize this. We need to say, "No, I can't pick up your kids on Tuesday, I just had a baby for crying out loud!!!" and not feel ashamed or guilty about that. My husband has helped me see this, to say no. For his own sake! When I go try to do everything for everyone who ends up pays the price? My family does. I'm grouchy with them, not my friends...and that's not fair to them.

Take a step back. Take a break. Force yourself. Procrastinate. Your baby, your kids and your husband all need you to do this. Don't worry, you can do it all...just do it all later.

My precious. 34 days old.

 
More info:

First 40 days as a mother

Ayurvedic Postpartum

Why Are America's Postpartum Practices So Rough on New Mothers?

Preparing for Birth: Freezer Cooking

17 years and counting...

It was another beautiful fall day. The trees were plump with ripe leaves, my very favorite mixture of colors covered the mountain behind the beautiful Orthodox church that day. The sun was shining in the clear blue sky. As the frost from the morning thawed everything dripped with a heavy dew. But I didn't notice any of that.

Because today was my wedding day.

I was nineteen. I was naïve. I was bashful. I was self doubting. I was ready to dedicate the rest of my life to my friend of five years who claimed to love me. Was this the "right" decision? That remained to be seen...

He was a gangly "geek" if you will. Geeky in most things like most geeks are...computers, Star Trek, Star Wars, Church theology, politics, etc. He was my opposite, if you will. He was also not at all like my father and not at all the type of person I had imagined marrying some day. But was that a bad thing? I was an Alaskan girl, after all, the state is full of robust hunter like men in all of their manly glory. Was I "supposed" to marry someone like my father? Someone less geeky perhaps? Someone less zealous in life? Someone less intent on having silly old me for themselves?? I really couldn't decide, you see, I hadn't "fallen in love" with him.

He certainly had with me. He had some compelling arguments and had great wit and humor that he used to try and convince me. I had to rely on my gut as my guide. His arguments did convince me that he would never leave me. His arguments convinced me that he loved me and that loving a wife is a husband's job. He convinced me that he had a great career, that he was awesome at what he did and that he would be a great provider so that I could be a mother (my life's dream was to be a stay-at-home-mom).

But, what if?

My indecision caused him great stress (not to mention my own stress). He was patient with me and didn't push me. I wanted to cancel the wedding and he said that was fine. My friend asked me, "do you love him?!" and I had to say yes, but I didn't think I really meant it. But the thing that really stuck in my craw was "Well, what if I let him go?  He runs off and eventually finds himself another woman?" No, that just wouldn't do. I was jealous of him before I ever thought I loved him and before he was mine.

That jealousy caused me to commit to him. I realized that if nothing else, even if I never had those warm fuzzy "in love" feelings that he would love me, take care of me and, if nothing else, be my friend. My gut and my head won the argument against my "heart" because it didn't know what the heck it was doing.

Seventeen years later I am here to report.

I realized those fuzzy feelings are typically feelings of lust. I have lusted my husband on and off for 17 years. Other men too. I tell him about those feelings as he tells me about his. We don't get upset or hurt by it for some reason...many other friends think we're crazy to talk about our "crushes" or "dang, he's hot" sort of things with each other. I don't know why we do it, but we do. The feelings and crushes disappear as soon as we confess them to each other too.*

Love is something different. Love is giving of yourself, it's HARD to love, because love is actions. Constant attention to the person you're supposed to be loving. That is difficult work. I personally suck at it. I didn't realize, until this year that I've had a wall up in our marriage for 17 years. The wall of self hate. That wall has caused me to not let my guard down, not be really giving of myself. This year, I had a giant light bulb go on in my brain and it blew my mind. I have not been the same since.

"You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself."

Very simple, but very true. It his changed me. It has changed the way I see people. It has changed the way I react to people. It has changed the way I talk, treat, respect and act to those closest to me. The ones who needed me to change are beginning to see the new/real me. The one who finally sees that God loves me like His child that I am, and with that true knowledge, it will drastically change a person.

All of this to say simply this:

17 years of marriage is very hard, very good, but mostly hard. It can, however, be done. You have to LOVE, give up your own will constantly, and take a verbal beating from time to time. Conflict in marriage is not a bad thing. If you don't ever fight you won't figure anything out. If you have the capability to simply discuss with no feelings involved, more power to you. My husband is quite fiery and I have discovered I am as well. So our fights are LOUD!

After 17 years of being married to this man I am now: the mother of 6 amazing children, the owner of a self made business of 10 years that I run from my home, not self doubting, still a little bashful in person at first, probably still naïve, confident and self admittedly, awesome.

I thank my husband for most of this (not all, after all, I am awesome). Not only for sticking with me, but encouraging me to come out of my shell, to embrace some of my more insane ideas and run with them. To remind me that I am awesome and I can do great things if I put my mind to it.

The cool thing is that as time has gone on he has grown less geeky and more robust. He has even started hunting in the last five years (that's hot). I think he's very handsome and am VERY glad he's not out there with some other woman. I'm glad he's mine, all mine.

*Please note that this practice of sharing so honestly is NOT for everyone. I am confident in the knowledge that he will never leave me and that is why I don't get offended when he says such things. Most women are not this secure and so I believe this would be hurtful in many marriages, not a positive thing.

Holy Saturday, Hot Cross Buns

We enjoyed Holy Saturday liturgy this morning. I love this liturgy, it's maybe my favorite of the year. The colors have been changed from purple to white, vestments all white, alter cloth all white, the censor with the bells is brought back, Christ is almost risen. Father throws bay leaves and rose petals instead of incense. It's beautiful. We typically have bread and fruit after liturgy with coffee and wine and a few guests. I make hot cross buns using the Artoklasia bread recipe that we use in the Latia services. It's a delicious, fasting, sweet bread and top it with frosting, can't be beat. Today we had over only clergy and their families, it was fun to hear the men banter and tease each other and compare war stories of bad services and embarrassing moments with the Bishop. The women bonded a little more and my kids had fun playing with the babies that were visiting.

Artoklosia or Hot Cross Buns
Recipe adapted from "A Lenten Cookbook" from St. Nectarios Press, WA 1982

2pkgs. Compressed or dry yeast
1/2 cup water
3/4 c sugar (or brown)
2 t salt

Dilute yeast in 1/2 cup water. Add sugar, salt and stir. After yeast proofs add:

1/4 c oil (olive, vegetable, etc)
1 1/2 c water

Then mix together:

3 c flour
1 tsp cinnamon or nutmeg or cardamom or some other spice combo

Add flour and the spice to the liquid. Stir until the batter is smooth. Add:

2 1/2 - 3 cups flour

Mix until the dough is soft but firm. You want a soft dough, don't add too much flour.

If making Artoklosia divide dough into 5 parts and shape into 5 round loaves. Place on a greased cookie sheet. Use scissors to cut crosses in the tops of each loaf.

Hot Cross Buns do the same thing but divide into about 24-32 individual rolls place on 2 greased cookie sheets. Use scissors to cut crosses in the top of each bun.

Rise until double.

Bake in 400 degree oven for 15 minutes for the large loaf and maybe 10 for the buns. Keep an eye on them, don't do like me and try baking them, then run back to church, then come home and find them overbaked. Not a great plan.

Remove from pans and cool on racks for 10 min. For the loaves brush tops with water mixed with honey or brown sugar. For the buns make some butter cream (or in my case almond milk/margarine) frosting glaze and glaze each bun with a cross. Be generous with your frosting, your guests won't mind. This recipe typically impresses most people (not when overbaked) and they go back for more. I have always used cinnamon, but this year our priest wife makes her Artolkasia with nutmeg and it's so yummy.

The 3 remaining buns from this morning. I used 1/2 wheat flour, but I would use less next time or more sugar or more frosting. They tasted too "healthy" to me.

No pictures, words will have to do...

Today I woke up earlier than normal.
The sun woke me up shining in my face.
Papa and son walked to Liturgy.
It was a crispy morning, the clouds hung low and snow was trying to fall.
The remaining six of us drove to church and attended Presanctified Liturgy.
Communion was served, the Holy Gospel was read, prostrations were made and we returned home.
I started a fire in the stove to give warmth to our toes and hearts.
Math had to be done, lessons had to be re-learned, tears were shed. School is not over, quite yet. Next week will be our Spring Break (during bright week) I love being able to set our home schedule around the Church's calendar.
Older son's hair needed cutting, he wanted to cut it himself, he did a great job.
Animals were fed, watered and milked. Eggs were collected, manure was shoveled.
Dishwasher loaded and emptied, rooms cleaned, island tidied, table cleared, messes made, messes picked up, always trying to stay ahead of those messes.
I'm making a skirt for Fran, I made sure it would fit and started hemming it, then the phone rang.
I started working, customers are waiting, facebook and pintrest grabbed my attention. Customers are still waiting.
Papa went to town, he has the week off for Holy Week, it is so nice.
Yesterday and today he: jumped the car and got it working, jumped the truck and got it going, checked the bees, finally went to the chiropractor, trimmed up the long hairs on son, ran an errand for me, read his book, bought a new battery for the car, worked on choosing a new electric smoker for his fish and meat projects, took a call from work, read books to the girls. I imagine he'll fix the 4wheeler next. I like it when he takes a week off of work.
We got another lamp for the girls room from the mail carrier today, we have the best mail lady in the world.
Sus went outside, she's tormenting chickens and cats. I love that we have cats and chickens for her to torment.
My neighbor and her six kids are out cutting their firewood logs with the chainsaw, splitting them with their mauls and hauling them inside. I am convinced God put her next to me to constantly humble me.
It's April 30th and it's snowing and I don't mind. I love Alaska and her surprises. I love the calmness that the weather on days like today bring with it.

Almost there

Today is Lazarus Saturday and today we sing the most beautiful hymn: Rejoice O Bethany. This song talks about Christ when He came to Bethany to visit His dead friend Lazarus, how He wept for His friend, how He lamented his death and then how He rose His friend from the dead. It reminds us that Christ was human, He felt pain, not only physical but emotional pain. It's a lovely tune.

And if you'd like to sing along go here for the sheet music.

The following picture was neat. Another reason why I love my Orthodox faith. The feast of Pascha that lays ahead in less than 8 days time. The beauty. The awe. The wonderment. Pascha is amazing, but Pascha after attending most or all of the services during Holy Week is really mind blowing. It's an experience you just don't get in this life very often. If you are Orthodox and have Holy Week services every day at your parish, it is worth it (at least one year) to take the week off and go to them. Work during the daytime if you have to work, but try it. It will blow your mind.

Life is great.

Warning: this post contains words like God and priests and soul. If you can not handle such content move along. I did, however, try to keep it brief.

This is not often my outlook on life. I struggle. I hurt. Life sucks.

Yesterday I was able to talk to a close friend (ok, my priest, but he is a friend too) for 4 short hours.

Today I feel like a new person.

The sun is out and it's beautiful, the snow is melting, water is flowing down driveways. Life is good today.

I love days like this, because it's not the sun or the snow or the spring-ness of it all that uplifts my spirits, it's my view on life and it's problems. It's knowing more about myself and knowing that yes, I'm a seriously messed up and sinful human being. But God loves me. And to truly understand that makes so much that is wrong ok. It makes me nicer, it makes me actually happy. Today I can see the job that is set in front of me and I plan to do it. I have tasks that I can complete and being such a project oriented person, I know that I can start working on them. Does this mean that I won't fall again? Does this mean that I won't simply forget those things that I know today that are so clear to me? Does this mean that I will succeed in...life? No, but it's somewhere to start.

I always forget how good it is to have a priest to talk to, you can really tell them the most nitty-gritty most terrible details of your life. They just smile or giggle or sigh and might say things you don't want to hear but that you need to hear. It's truly refreshment for the soul. I felt like I was digging up clods of dirt and throwing them out. By saying these things I was admitting them not only to him but to myself. That was powerful. To admit things that I do and think that cause problems in my marriage and life. That is huge. To be able to see one's self is huge. I know that I can't really see myself for who I truly am, who of us can? But yesterday I was able to peel back the next layer of the onion that makes up "me" and I have a new fresh beginning to life again. That is really wonderful.

Sometimes (this is for my different friends sake that I say this)...sometimes, priests say the wrong things, sometimes they give bad advice, and sometimes they hurt you, but that's because they are human and just as prone to temptations and stupid-ness as anybody else. Just as you may have a best friend and you spill your guts to them, they can easily say the wrong things or really hurt you. Most people are very sensitive about personal things they divulge to only priests. You really need to have a good mesh with a priest (or a best friend). I haven't had any negative experience, personally. God gives us what we can handle, and He must know that I needed some good priests to lean on. I haven't had a bff in ages that I could really talk to, but I have always had a priest waiting in the wings if I needed him.

Yesterday I dusted and cleaned the cobwebs off of my soul, today Christ is happier to live there, and that is making me happy.

Spring cleaning for the soul? It's a good thing.

Comfort is the enemy to Christians

Today is just one of the feast days of John Chrysostom.

In the Orthodox Church he is a saint. He is called "Golden Mouth". He's my husband's patron saint.

Orthodox do not worship saints. We know they (saints) are close to God, that is why we pray to them, for them to ask God for help on our behalf. We still pray to God. We worship only God the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.

"Comfort is the enemy to Christians."
-St. John Chrysostom

We had a winter retreat today at church and we had a guest speaker come. He said many good things, but that last statement stood out in my mind. I often feel "too comfortable" in my life. I know that if I had more struggle and strife and pain and un-comfort I would have to turn to God more. Satan likes to keep us fat and happy, it reminds me of the opium smokers in the book, "The Good Earth". They simply forget about the things that are important in their life and who they are supposed to care for. That's what comfort does to our souls. It makes us forget that we are supposed to be struggling for something more. No matter how comfortable we can be in this life, the next will be far superior and have outstanding comfort for us to dwell in. The enemy teaches us to strive for comfort here on Earth...forget about the next life. It's a very real battle. The battle of the couch potato, but real, none-the-less.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Chrysostom

Grace like a flame shining forth from thy mouth has illumined the universe, and disclosed to the world treasures of poverty and shown us the height of humility. And as by thine own words thou teachest us, Father John Chrysostom, so intercede with the Word, Christ our God, to save our souls.