17 years and counting...

It was another beautiful fall day. The trees were plump with ripe leaves, my very favorite mixture of colors covered the mountain behind the beautiful Orthodox church that day. The sun was shining in the clear blue sky. As the frost from the morning thawed everything dripped with a heavy dew. But I didn't notice any of that.

Because today was my wedding day.

I was nineteen. I was naïve. I was bashful. I was self doubting. I was ready to dedicate the rest of my life to my friend of five years who claimed to love me. Was this the "right" decision? That remained to be seen...

He was a gangly "geek" if you will. Geeky in most things like most geeks are...computers, Star Trek, Star Wars, Church theology, politics, etc. He was my opposite, if you will. He was also not at all like my father and not at all the type of person I had imagined marrying some day. But was that a bad thing? I was an Alaskan girl, after all, the state is full of robust hunter like men in all of their manly glory. Was I "supposed" to marry someone like my father? Someone less geeky perhaps? Someone less zealous in life? Someone less intent on having silly old me for themselves?? I really couldn't decide, you see, I hadn't "fallen in love" with him.

He certainly had with me. He had some compelling arguments and had great wit and humor that he used to try and convince me. I had to rely on my gut as my guide. His arguments did convince me that he would never leave me. His arguments convinced me that he loved me and that loving a wife is a husband's job. He convinced me that he had a great career, that he was awesome at what he did and that he would be a great provider so that I could be a mother (my life's dream was to be a stay-at-home-mom).

But, what if?

My indecision caused him great stress (not to mention my own stress). He was patient with me and didn't push me. I wanted to cancel the wedding and he said that was fine. My friend asked me, "do you love him?!" and I had to say yes, but I didn't think I really meant it. But the thing that really stuck in my craw was "Well, what if I let him go?  He runs off and eventually finds himself another woman?" No, that just wouldn't do. I was jealous of him before I ever thought I loved him and before he was mine.

That jealousy caused me to commit to him. I realized that if nothing else, even if I never had those warm fuzzy "in love" feelings that he would love me, take care of me and, if nothing else, be my friend. My gut and my head won the argument against my "heart" because it didn't know what the heck it was doing.

Seventeen years later I am here to report.

I realized those fuzzy feelings are typically feelings of lust. I have lusted my husband on and off for 17 years. Other men too. I tell him about those feelings as he tells me about his. We don't get upset or hurt by it for some reason...many other friends think we're crazy to talk about our "crushes" or "dang, he's hot" sort of things with each other. I don't know why we do it, but we do. The feelings and crushes disappear as soon as we confess them to each other too.*

Love is something different. Love is giving of yourself, it's HARD to love, because love is actions. Constant attention to the person you're supposed to be loving. That is difficult work. I personally suck at it. I didn't realize, until this year that I've had a wall up in our marriage for 17 years. The wall of self hate. That wall has caused me to not let my guard down, not be really giving of myself. This year, I had a giant light bulb go on in my brain and it blew my mind. I have not been the same since.

"You can't truly love someone else until you love yourself."

Very simple, but very true. It his changed me. It has changed the way I see people. It has changed the way I react to people. It has changed the way I talk, treat, respect and act to those closest to me. The ones who needed me to change are beginning to see the new/real me. The one who finally sees that God loves me like His child that I am, and with that true knowledge, it will drastically change a person.

All of this to say simply this:

17 years of marriage is very hard, very good, but mostly hard. It can, however, be done. You have to LOVE, give up your own will constantly, and take a verbal beating from time to time. Conflict in marriage is not a bad thing. If you don't ever fight you won't figure anything out. If you have the capability to simply discuss with no feelings involved, more power to you. My husband is quite fiery and I have discovered I am as well. So our fights are LOUD!

After 17 years of being married to this man I am now: the mother of 6 amazing children, the owner of a self made business of 10 years that I run from my home, not self doubting, still a little bashful in person at first, probably still naïve, confident and self admittedly, awesome.

I thank my husband for most of this (not all, after all, I am awesome). Not only for sticking with me, but encouraging me to come out of my shell, to embrace some of my more insane ideas and run with them. To remind me that I am awesome and I can do great things if I put my mind to it.

The cool thing is that as time has gone on he has grown less geeky and more robust. He has even started hunting in the last five years (that's hot). I think he's very handsome and am VERY glad he's not out there with some other woman. I'm glad he's mine, all mine.

*Please note that this practice of sharing so honestly is NOT for everyone. I am confident in the knowledge that he will never leave me and that is why I don't get offended when he says such things. Most women are not this secure and so I believe this would be hurtful in many marriages, not a positive thing.

Wal-Mart

For a few years now I have had a strange aversion to Wal-Mart.

Perhaps it was when they moved into their now “SUPER WALMART” gigantor store, I really dis-like having to re-find all of my favorite things.

Perhaps it is the realization that every shirt I bought there would shrink from top to bottom but widen from side to side.

Perhaps it was the fact I finally learned that when I go there to save $5 on diapers I still come out spending at least $100 on “great deals” AKA a bunch of crap to unload from the car and then find a place for at my house.

Perhaps I simply don’t like walking 5 miles to overfill my cart and then when my little ones start screaming I get in line for check out, THEN wait in line for another 30 minutes before I get to actually leave the store.

Perhaps it was the time my husband went to buy cigars for a hunting trip and the checker (behind the cigarette counter) almost wouldn't sell him any, claiming they were bad for him and he really shouldn't smoke them. Good thing she was there to educate him, I don't think he'd ever heard that before. 

Suffice to say, It’s not the, “Let’s-boycott-the-big-box-stores-to-make-ourselves-feel-better.” reason that regular people like to toss around. I have my own special list of reasons.

My husband likes Wal-Mart. Well, let’s say, my husband has a pretty good grip on our spending and doesn’t mind walking 5 miles for chicken feed when he will save $5 per bag, that is $20 when you buy 4 at a time. He's also smart enough to not take the little kids with him. My husband is a man, after all, and has a practical mind. A gift I would love to have.

For our “date night” on Sunday we left our younger kids in our older kids most capable hands and ventured out for a night on the town. We stopped by Silly Sister’s house to drop off some whey left over from Husband’s cheese making that day. Our pigs (that dear Sister is caring for) love that stuff and it’s nice to see it put to good use. We then ventured over to Town where we decided to grab a bite at Red Robin. They have delicious onion rings and “mama” drinks there.

We then did what we had gone to town to do, and that was a Wal-Mart run. I only go there with Husband as he is strong enough to push the cart loaded with 200 (sometimes more) pounds of grain from the WAY back of the VERY big store up to the registers. While he got the chicken feed I got our typical bananas, apples and Cheerios, then stopped off at the kids clothes section to get my son 2 new t-shirts and my DD a tank top that she had specifically requested for these few hot days we have had.

Up at the check out line, we only waited about 7 minutes that evening as it was about 10pm and was greeted by a young man checker, maybe 19 or so. When he rang up the first bag of chicken feed he exclaimed, “Wow, that’s so expensive!” It was funny in my mind because when I was trained at Safeway we were taught not to tell customers that we thought our store prices on things were expensive as we don’t want to discourage them from spending their money with us. While the young man was ringing up our groceries he noticed my husband’s work jacket and asked him if he worked for "that company", to witch he replied, “yes.” The young man says, “I hate "that company" they ripped me off!” and proceed to tell us the story of how my husband’s employer he has worked for for 20 years, has provided very good health benefits, has paid him faithfully so that we can pay our mortgage and buy expensive chicken food; completely ripped him off. I feel bad for the fellow that he felt this way, I also know that if you talk to someone there about these sorts of problems they typically can reconcile it with you. And, wait, aren’t we his customer tonight??

I paid for the groceries with cash and he gave me back the one dollar bill and then proceeded to count out the change into my hand. I’m very un-familiar with this method of giving change, and then he dropped a bunch of it on the ground and hopefully found it all.

After Husband went to the car to load the chicken food; I bought the kids clothes. The fellow was placing the clothes into the grocery bag and asks, “So are these for your grandkids…………….(long silence where I had no idea what to say)………..or your kids?” Wow, this is a totally shocker for me. I am only 35. My oldest is 14. I felt so sorry for the guy and so indigent all at the same time… I said, “Soon enough, soon enough. It goes by so fast you don’t even know.”

What a dumbass.

As we drove home that night we enjoyed the chuckle we got out that memorable experience. An even better horror story to add to the other Wal-Mart stories under our belt.

Thanks, Wal-Mart, you make memories that last a lifetime.

15 years

I was talking to my mom the other night, and she asked me about our anniversary. Did we go out? What did we do? Then what, etc. She declared that I should go write a blog post about it since I haven't written in so long and she liked the story...

15 years. It's a big deal. Woop woop, and I say that in my most sarcastic way possible. I know it's a big deal but it's not a big deal. It's just us, silly people, still, yep still here. So off we go (now able to leave our chitlens home ALONE, ) the oldest ones do a fine job of watching the little ones. They also do a fine job of making mac-n-cheese and sort of cleaning up the kitchen too. Let's just say, since we discovered leaving them home ALONE, life has been maaaavalus. Allowing us to go on dates like never before, mostly just getting out of the house, going to my sister's to hang out or just out for a quick bite or a drive...spending alone time for us and for the kids has been a huge bonus.

I decided to put on a skirt for our date. After all it was our anniversary. I told the kids that if they behaved well that day I'd let papa take me out to a movie and dinner. I'm not a huge movie buff and feel like generally they're a waste of a good date since you can't talk. But I digress. We left the house with an hour before the movie began. Hubby couldn't find jeans with out a hole so we headed to Freddys to pick up his annual 2 pairs of black jeans. We found them and I wandered over to the women's clothing section finding some super awesome things that I had to have. When he found me he asked for the time, it was 7:15 and the movie started at 7:25. He gasped and we rushed up to the register. I didn't gasp 'cause I don't really care if we miss previews. After we purchased our clothes I asked him if he wanted to change, he gasped again, No! We're LATE! So off we went.

In the car he decided to try to understand how my brain worked when it came to time sensitivity and he was really trying to wrap his head around how I just don't really care about being late...the conversation didn't get far as the theater is close, but I don't think he'll ever understand.

At the theater (our new big totally awesome one in town) we got there mostly on-time/late-ish depending on who you ask and stood in line for our snacks. I got my popcorn and he got his hot dog, pretty normal for us. He insisted that I go in since he still had to doll up his dog. I sat down in the lit theater with the local commercials playing.

He came in to sit down but accidentally dropped his hot dog onto the floor. "Oh no!" I said, "your hot dog!"

"Oh no!" He said, "My new pants, they have mustard all over them."

This is where my mom asked how he got his new pants on...well, he changed in the car while I drove to the theater.

I assured him his pants would be fine and we could wipe it right off and they'd wash. But your poor hot dog, that can't be saved! He left to get another hot dog, he came back and sat down and ate it.

Him: "What time is it?" Me: "7:45" Him: "What?! I wonder if they know that the movie hasn't started..." Me: "Well, go ask them." He did, so then they started it. But I had to agree with the lady down the row from us who said, "where do we have to go?" I said, "yeah, where? We have a babysitter."

About 15 minutes into the movie the fire alarm started going off, not in the movie we were watching, but in our theater. So the lights automatically turned on, the movie shut off and we left. False alarm. Go back sit down for 5 minutes, still no movie...oh! the movie is back on...not where it shut off and with no sound. Nice. 5 minutes later an employee came in on her walkie talkie telling someone how we had no sound. And then she passed out free movie tickets to everyone...SCORE. 5 minutes later the sound came back on. Did they press their little rewind button and rewind the last 15 minutes of the movie for us? Of course not.

We left the theater at 10:05. Most restaurants in our town close at 10pm on weeknights. So he said, "lets go to the 24 hour diner." Hmm, diner on our anniversary...not much of a choice at this point. We got a pizza (note: try to avoid diner pizza, diners make good eggs, not pizza), he bought me flowers and we went home.

I love my life. I get frustrated with myself, with my emotions, with the constant list of tasks, but when it boils down to it it's a wonderful life and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My man and me about 15 years ago.

This week

Sunday the kids were so happy to open the incubator and pull out some of the new chicks that had hatched. They are especially adorable when you hatch them yourself. Probably like when your own baby is just by far cuter than any other baby you have ever seen. It was amazing to watch and the fun should begin again this weekend with another batch. They sold them all very quickly and Papa will be taking over the sales and customer service end of things because apparently 12-yr-olds can do algebra but can't count chicks and will over sell them to your friends and family. Not as fun.

Pictures? No, of course I didn't take any pictures of the VERY FIRST BATCH OF CHICKS THE KIDS HATCHED OUT!!! That would be much too clever of me.

I've been feeling run down since last week but I had a meeting to go to with E on Tuesday night. By the time I got home I felt rotten and had a low grade fever. By the time I forced myself into bed it was a full on rough-and-tumble fever and I got out the big guns (huge polar fleece quilt) and hunkered down for the night.

Wednesday I slept all day, not a huge fever but needed to sleep. Right on through to Thursday late morning when I forced myself upstairs so my husband (now sick too) could have the morning in bed and I could get the kids to do chores and some school. I canceled the appointments I had and by 4:30 I needed a nap. Back to bed, hubbys turn. He made them spaghetti for dinner and got me some soup.

Friday I decided to get better. Sometimes that works. I got up, didn't feel like death, took a shower and then felt very tired. I got dressed went upstairs, got the kids to do some chores and school and snuck into my office where I have been neglecting customers all week. I had 8 new messages. I called back a few and hoped for message machines so I would not have to get into a long conversation with anyone. After a half hour I was done.

My brother-in-law had called earlier asking if we were better yet. Friday was Annunciation the day when Angel Gabriel comes to Mary to announce the news of carrying Christ in her womb. Because of this feast, Friday is also the only "Fish" day during Lent. I had agreed for the first time in our marriage to go out to sushi with my husband and so my brother-in-law wanted to bring my sister to try some out too. I said, "I'll try to feel better by then, I could take a Tylenol and we could try!" But at around 1:00 he called and said they wouldn't go, so I was relieved and ready to go back to bed. Hubby immediately went and picked two nice big salmon fillets out of the freezer and put them in the sink to thaw.

I got into bed, read some blogs and woke up 4 hours later having missed my friend coming over to say hi. (Sorry Jessie!!!!) I don't feel great but I felt like writing what is probably the lamest most boring blog ever!

I just hate being sick, fortunately I'm not sick a lot. As you can see I have a wonderful husband that takes good care of me when I am.


2010 meat chicks and pretty cute er rag-a-muffin gang



Just what will chickens eat?

The kids were helping me unload some groceries tonight and I asked two of the older kids to bring in the 50lb bag of rice. It was taking them a while and then my husband hollered, "Anna! NOW!" So I ran up to see what the fuss was and they'd dropped it out in the drifted snow on the way in. It ripped clean up one whole side and half of the rice was on the ground. I gave him a big pot and he scooped up most of the good stuff off the top.

He asked me if the chickens eat uncooked rice, I figured sure, but I'd better check.

Thank God for the Internet.

Turns out that's what chickens in China eat, so if it's good enough for Chinese chickens it should be good enough for ours.

Here are 2 of our girls.

Chicks, bees, baby goats and Pascha

It's amazing.

You look at things you take for granted and you don't notice them until you start farming.

Like "kicking the bucket" we realized where that got the name REAL QUICK! When that goat (or cow) kicks over that bucket of milk you worked so hard to get, you want to slit it's throat and stick it in the freezer.

This article was not what I expected when I typed "Easter Lamb" into google. But this man is Greek Orthodox and describes how his Paschal Lamb is so much a part of him. Lambs (and goats) are born in the spring and at one year old they are at their biggest that you want to let them get before they begin to get tough. Thus giving us the Easter Lamb or an Easter Kid.

The hatching eggs went into the incubator last night. There are 45 total the children are excited as is my husband (me too I suppose). I am looking forward to having some special Black Copper Maran chicks as my own in 20 days from now. It seems the perfect thing to do during Lent, hatch out chicks for the spring.

My husband ordered his bees last week. They will be here in April and we will set up our first hive. Just one this year. My husband will be in an apprenticeship with a friend and he's letting us borrow the hive for the first year to see how we like it.

Our larger Nubian goat is due on April 15th. The girls go into heat in the fall and then you can try to time them to kid when it's best for you. They have to be dried up 2 months before kidding, so Lent seemed a good time to have little to no milk. I think we'll dry up the other one too since she will kid in June but I really wanted my daughter to have a good period of time off so that she would not have to milk 2x per day. I'd like her to be antsy to start when one of them kids and that should happen with a good break. We have thought about raising a male kid up for next year's Pascha feast. We shall see.

It's amazing how our food cycle actually used to revolve around what food was being produced at that time of year. I've already seen that with the garden but it's so much more apparent when you add animals to the mix. It's sad more people don't get to experience that. I'm glad our family is just beginning to learn it.

Papa's night

Just a quick note of thanks to my husband who watched the little girls yesterday most of the day while we went to archery and then shotgun club. Then again today all of them when I had a meeting for the Sunday/Friday school program we have for the kids at church and then again off to a shotgun club parent meeting. I was gone 'till 9:30pm. This mentally takes a lot out of him as he's stated before, "I'm not a woman, I'm not meant to be a mother." Needless to say he's awesome for staying with them and I really appreciate it.

my favorite husband