Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Finding Me

One thing that I had in Alaska was a sense knowledge in everything there was to know about what needed knowing. If I didn't know how to do it, Google was right there to help me figure it out. High speed internet and Youtube videos have been utilized to their fullest extent at our house. You name it, I could do it. Were you looking for someone to do a great repair on your home? I knew the guy. Looking for the you-pick farm and the best deals on produce? I knew where to send you. Looking for that lady who sells hay and straw for half the price of the feed store? I have her number too. Need amazing garlic that grows in Alaska? I have that for you in my gardening lair and I can even teach you how to grow it. There's a lot of pride and joy that come from being a know-it-all and I was that person, full of pride, full of joy and full of know.

That woman is gone.

I mentioned about the woe-is-me-ness in the last post that I wrote. I lost my shoes, I lost my blanket, my home is gone and now me...Me is gone. I miss Me.

I realized something just this week. I need my own home. My own domain where I don't have to be beholden to a property manager to repair the heating ducts or the back door that doesn't close. I need my closet to be just so, so that I actually know where my clothes go because otherwise they get draped on the broken rocking chair in our bedroom. My JOB is being a wife, mother, baker, cook and I have failed miserably in the last 5 months. I have been trying to stay strong in this lovely, cold, bug filled home that God has provided. I know that our 9 person family needed temporary shelter and this home is big enough. But I can't be Me here and Me needs to come back...my family needs Me.

We may be buying a home here in about a month. It's no sure thing, we have been through this once already since we moved here. But I'm hopeful and looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. Having a good oven that doesn't overcook, cooking more meals and possibly doing some canning.

I thank God for this house we are in. I got to mope around here for 5 months, gain a bunch of weight while I sat around eating Doritos and Costco pumpkin muffins feeling sad about missing Me. I want to go home and by that I don't mean Alaska, I mean to a home where my family lives and is content. Where my husband can fix things with out getting permission from the land-lord and he can feel manly and useful and we can be joyful. Where I can re-learn how to garden in a much warmer climate, find a peach farmer, grow a different kind of garlic, buy goat milk from the cool nuns down the road, tell everyone about Gary-the-amazing-plumber and get my head back into the knowledge game.

Me is coming home soon. I can't wait to see her again.

Just lounging on the cool porch.

4 comments:

Hillary said...

You always have your head in the right place. Always know who you are and what you need to be the best you. That's pretty awesome.

AKmamaOf6 said...

Thanks, Hill. Not always, but usually typing it out helps me sort out my head and get a grip.

Mary Alice Cook said...

I really appreciate your honesty and am glad to hear you are sorting things out. I'm often surprised at how much better I feel after putting my thoughts in writing. Hang in there!

Randa Leonard said...

Boy do I understand. The familiarity of Alaska was so nice. I still feel so out of place here. Thank God for a wonderful parish and the monastery.